Get A Life!

MR. TANNY-O: A life fraught with perils is the price of adventure.  But you know all about that, friend.  [takes photographs from Yuri]  That’s why I must ask you to move along so that I may find a better-suited consumer.

YURI:  What do you mean?  You’re selling the pictures?

MR. TANNY-O: That and so much more.  You see, with my brother’s death imminent, I am in the process of transferring his spectacular and all-too-brief life to a member of the living.  [reaches in the booth and produces all he lists]  For a nominal fee, I provide the purchaser with the complete photographic archives, volumes one through seventy-four of Byron’s daily journals including compendium, this box of wooden nickles, a half-eaten pita sandwich and Byron’s removed and bronzed spleen.  You’ll also gain one-time access to his wardrobe to grab what you would like.  With all these things, one could easily assume the life of Byron de St. Byron Tanny-o and his bold and unparalleled achievements can continue while at the same time, the purchaser’s ho-hum life is also enriched retroactively through the purchase of this legacy.  A good deal if ever there was one.

YURI: That does sound like a good deal. [reaching for his wallet] How much?

MR. TANNY-O: Sir, please.  Don’t toy with me.  I said “the purchaser’s ho-hum life.”  Ho hum!  Yours is anything but.

YURI: No, it’s actually quite boring.

MR. TANNY-O: I find that hard to believe.  The vibrancy of life trembling inside your portly frame forces me to avert my gaze.  [looking past YURI]  Now I beg of you, sir, move along so that I may find an appropriate buyer.

YURI: I am an appropriate buyer!

MR. TANNY-O: Sir, you insult me!

YURI:  My life sucks!  I work on an assembly line doing quality control on urinal cakes!  I live with my parents and they don’t return my calls!  I live with a cat and he just ran away!  My genitals are soft as putty!  My underwear is soiled!  And I’m in perfect health!  There’s no way out!

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