Get A Life!


MR. TANNY-O: Yes!  That is why my family, devoted snake-handlers all, have gathered for a last ditch revival attempt and the laying on of hands.

Off-stage, CHANTING, SINGING and SPEAKING IN TONGUES can be heard, along with RATTLING.  Then there’s a SNAP and loud GASPS.

SUZIE [off-stage]: Momma!  Momma!  The rattler bit Byron!

MOMMA [off-stage]: Well, he never really were the church-going type.

MR. TANNY-O: It’s all just academic now.  Tick-tock.  Tick-tock.  Such a shame.  Byron The Amazing, that’s how he was commonly known, cut down in his prime.  Now only the legacy remains.

YURI: What other kind of stuff did he do?

MR. TANNY-O [retrieves a stack of photographs from inside the booth and hands them to YURI]: I could tell you, friend, but a picture speaks volumes and right there in your hands is the better part of Alexandria’s shelves.  I encourage you to begin in the “A’s” where you will find “Adventure,” “Action,” and “Awesome Things.”

YURI [flipping through photographs, asking about specific photos]: Wow.  Where is this?

MR. TANNY-O: That is the geographic North Pole.  One of Byron’s first adventures.  At the tender age of eleven he set out to hand-deliver a dying boy’s letter to Santa.  Well, Santa was never found, the boy finished dying and Byron lost all sensation in his extremities for eight months.

YURI: Oh, my.  What a disaster.

MR. TANNY-O: It’s pronounced “adventure.”  For a disaster, keep flipping to the picture of the buxom blonde in the sequined gown.

YURI [flipping through the pictures, then stopping]: Holy cow!  She’s gorgeous!

MR. TANNY-O: Indeed she was.  Star of stage and screen.  Fantasy of many.  Desired by all.  She was Byron’s first love.

YURI: What happened?

MR. TANNY-O [puts hand on YURI’s shoulder]: Tale old as time, friend.  Love unrequited.  She belonged to the public and, try as he might, Byron’s love could not equal that of millions.  But he did try. [retrieves a piece of stationery from the booth and hands it to YURI]  Here.

YURI [reading]: “Your breasts are round/ Your face is symmetrical/ Why don’t we/ Try some fellatio?”

MR. TANNY-O: Ah, one of Byron’s delicious near-rhymes.  Somehow the vixen resisted.

YURI: So what happened?

MR. TANNY-O: Byron was so distraught by the lady’s rejection, he fled the country, ending up on the Dark Continent and fighting in no less than twelve civil wars in four years.

YURI: Did he ever find love again?

MR. TANNY-O: He took a bride in the Congo.  They lived happily and raised three lovely girls.

YURI: Ah, that’s nice.

MR. TANNY-O: Until a wildlife rescue mission went awry and a tranquilized elephant collapsed onto their modest home, crushing those Byron held so dear.

YURI: Oh god!

___________ right