Get A Life!

no bounds.  Then, as if to spite me, my brother’s diving partner leapt high from the water directly behind me in a glorious, rainbowed arc of sea spray and sunlight and loosed a jubilant “eeee-eeee!”  My blood boiled.  I followed the dolphin back into the depths, my body already shaved to zero-resistance and quick on his heels.  Or the dolphin equivalent of heels.  Once my hands were upon his slippery flesh, I climbed up the beast’s torpedoed body, snuggling the dorsal fin in my armpit and deftly removing the shoe and sock from my right foot.  I balled up the drenched sock in my fist and drove it fast into the beast’s blowhole.  The fatal blow struck, I relaxed my hold and slipped from the dolphin’s sickly-smooth back.  I hung beneath the waves, watching with glee as the sea-dog swam spasmodically at first, unsure of the problem.  Then it vaulted towards the oxygen-rich sky.  It broke the surface and disappeared from view for a moment before crashing back to the sea in an explosion of foam, it’s lungs still burning.  Then it saw me and somehow it knew.  Its fate sealed, now it looked simply to exact a toll.  I braced myself for the underwater assault, cocking my prize-fighting fist behind my ear.  But as the encumbered mariner churned through the waters with manslaughter on its mind, it gradually slowed more and more so that when it finally reached me, the dolphin traveled only with inertia, too weary and dead to continue.  As the beast drifted past, I flashed a defiant “thumbs up”, letting my bested mammalian kin know which of us was better equipped.  Vengeance fully mine, I pulled my lithe form from the waves to gather up my brother’s remains.  Much to my surprise, I saw Byron being tended to by a small contingent of Brazilian-waxed transvestites fresh from Carnivale.  And for a moment I was overjoyed to see his barrel-chest rise and fall and regretted the sock-stuffed dolphin rising and falling dumbly with the ocean’s swell behind me.  But, oh, the cruelty of involuntary muscle.  Though he breathed, he was now all body and no mind, lost to the abyss of a coma.  Rage once again ignited my soul and I took to flinging rocks and rock-shards at the upturned, pale stomach of the deceased porpoise.  Sometimes I think I’m still standing there, flinging rocks.  And rock shards. [gets lost in introspection. Pantomimes throwing rocks.]

YURI: That’s a pretty amazing story.

MR. TANNY-O: Your words are kind, sir.  But surely an event like this bares the cross of tedium to an intrepid soul like yourself.

YURI: No, that’s pretty much the most exciting thing I’ve ever heard.  Except for the coma part.

MR. TANNY-O: Ah, the high price of an adventurous life.

YURI: Is your brother still in a coma?

MR. TANNY-O: Indeed he is.  And despite the loving and constant vigil my family provides, hope has dimmed, as have the fiduciary reserves necessary for running his eating and shitting machines.  So the plug is to be pulled.

___________ right