Get A Life!

YURI [belches]: Well, I don’t digest pepperoni very well.

MR. TANNY-O: Ah, the salted meats.  Fiendishly cured in the devil’s own woodshed.  Smoked over the immolated souls of the damned.  But despite your vigorous gastro-intestinal objections, you continue to devour the offending meat?

YURI: Mmm, mmm, mmm!

MR. TANNY-O: There may be hope for you yet.  That level of hedonistic self-sacrifice belies an insatiable hunger for life, an unquenchable thirst for adventure, and undeniable lust for the here and now!

YURI: Well, I don’t-- I mean, you think-- Well, gee, thanks.

MR. TANNY-O: No, no.  Thank you.  And I must apologize.  I have wasted your time.  Here I thought I had something to offer you, some tantalizing excitement with which to season your wasted life.  But clearly I’ve merely caught you in a lull between adventures.  Please, let me tarry you no longer.  I suspect somewhere a pastrami awaits.

YURI:  I am kind of hungry.  But wait.  What is it you’re selling exactly?

MR. TANNY-O: Oh, nothing that would interest you, friend.  Just a whole new life.

YURI: A whole new life?

MR. TANNY-O [removes hat respectfully]: It was three years ago today my dear brother, Byron; world-traveler, daredevil, learned lover, trendsetter, financial genius, inventor of fifty-two patented ideas and the deity of the Runamok tribe of New Guinea, fell to one of fate’s ever-true arrows while cliff-diving with dolphins off Rio’s jagged coast.  Have you ever seen a porpoise hurled through the air from such lofty heights?  Heard the diminishing “eeeeeeee!” shrieking from the throat of the conscripted and reluctant beast as it tumbles towards the blue below?  No?  Ah, such a spectacular sight to see both man and aqua-beast twisting through the air together like mating dragonflies until they finally “ploop!” into the bosom of all life, mother ocean.  [pauses and lowers head]  But it is an altogether different and horrifying sight to see your brother’s head collide with a dolphin tail viciously flopped mid-dive, to see his trajectory affected, to see his arms and legs dangle, their movements dictated by wind resistance rather than conscious thought, and then finally to see the small speck of your beloved sibling become a foamy white burst a hundred meters below.  Well, I was in the water not a minute and a half-- it was such a high cliff!-- after my brother’s awkward splashdown.  I pulled his limp body from the undulating waves and rested it on an outcropping of barnacled rocks.  Feverishly, I tried to revive him, but his body remained cold and inert.  I cried out to the heavens, cried out for them to take me instead!  But my plea fell on deaf god-ears and my spirit remained earthbound.  I gnashed my teeth and beat my breast, my despair knowing

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