Light Aqua Chubbie Boopie Arrested


By Larry Friedlander

ATLANTA    In a stunning announcement, Atlanta Metropolitan Police have reported that Blinky, the beloved light aqua Chubbie Boopie was arrested early yesterday morning in the back room of a midtown gentlemen’s club.  The bust occurred at approximately 1:24 a.m., said Sgt. Wallace Denton of the Metro Atlanta Police Department.  The establishment known as “The Jack Shack” has recently enjoyed the fruits of the revitalized men’s entertainment industry, billing itself as the Chucky Cheese of adult autoerotic fulfillment.

    The investigation began when an undercover officer observed Mr. Blinky acting suspiciously and appearing extremely intoxicated.  Throughout the course of the evening, he was seen making suggestive overtures to several of the club’s nude dancers.  The overtures included, “I bet you never made it with a guy in a bucolic one dimensional meadow,” and “Tinky, binky, blippy, eek, eww,” which horrified even the most jaded “Jack Shack” patrons.

    The arrest occurred after Blinky was observed physically accosting one of the entertainers, Miss Candy Cornhole.

    “I’d been dancing for him all night,” said Cornhole.  “The guy was buying lap dances, one after another.  Then he wanted to pay me a hundred [dollars] for a private dance.  So I took him to the back room where we do this kind of thing and he slaps a C note on me.  So I get to dancing for him, real classy-like.  I do this thing where I shake my tushy right in his face to that song ‘Welcome to the Jungle.’  And just when the singer says ‘jungle,’ I turn around.  It’s a sight gag.  I like puns, too, but they’re just so hard to convey in my act.  After I finish, he gives me another hundred and asks me to do a shower dance for him.  Everything seemed fine at first, until he started begging me to grout.  When I said no, that’s when he got violent.”

    Cornhole added that after a brief struggle, management intervened and wrestled the engorged five-foot, eight-hundred-pound Chubbie Boopie to the ground.  Blinky will be arraigned in Fulton County Superior Court later this month.

    Bernard Lincoln, owner and operator of “The Jack Shack,” was unfazed by the incident and offered this musing: “Guys come in to my establishment all the time.  Occasionally, one of our girls will take a customer into a back room and let the guy bask in the fruits of his own loins.  As long as things don’t get out of hand, we’re okay with it.”  Lincoln then smiled and proceeded to beat a transient prostitute with a little league baseball bat.

A Deeply Troubled Life

    Mordechai “Blinky” Rabinowitz was born in 1956 in the turbulent East End of London.  Growing up in a fatherless home, Blinky quickly learned the ways of the street.  By age fourteen, his rap sheet took up two files at Scotland Yard.  By age fifteen, three files.  By age sixteen, four files, and at age eighteen, two files [*note: Clerks combined files one, two, and three into one file.  And they did the same with files four and five].

    Said Constable Angus Derben, “We switched from the standard manila files to a stronger cardboard file with pockets.  The move was done essentially for space reasons, however the aesthetic ramifications became instantly noticed.”  Ian Posselton, a day laborer and thrice-convicted rapist from Statfordshire, remarked, “I used to dread getting booked here.  I mean it was a really dreary situation.  But with the new file system, whew!  Well, that makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it?  Really peps up the place.”

    While serving a three-year stint at the Stratford-Upon-Avon Men’s Correctional Institute, Blinky became involved with the Penitentiary’s Repertory company.  After playing a couple of minor characters in Wilder’s “Our Town” and O’Neill’s “Mourning Becomes Electra,” Blinky graduated to more significant roles.  The future Chubbie Boopie won rave reviews for his turn as Adam, the eldest of the Pontipees in “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.”  Nigel Skinner, convicted machete murderer and portrayer of Seven Brides’ youngest brother, Gideon, offered this observation of Blinky:

    “He really has a gift.  We all knew it.  Sometimes in rehearsal, when we weren’t sodomizing one another or burying shivs in our thighs in order to spend the night in the infirmary, we’d just watch him act.  The fact he didn’t actually say real words, but rather spoke in onomatopoeia and word fragments only added to his genius.”

    Upon his release from prison, Blinky was accepted into the Royal Academy of Performing Arts where he won critical praise for his turns as Hamlet, King Lear, Willie Loman, and Ibsen’s unforgettable Torvald Helmer.  However, Blinky was never more comfortable than performing he works of Russian playright, Anton Chekov.  Upon hearing of his nomination for Uncle Vanya, an overwhelmed Binky remarked, “Blippy boo.  Koopi woopi dinky doo.  Peeki plippy blinkyo.”  It is this brand of humility that has always been the hallmark of his career.

The Future    

    At this precarious moment in Blinky’s life, it is difficult to say what his future might hold.

    A somewhat pessimistic Pookie, better known as the burnt umber Chubbie Boopie, offered up this somewhat cryptic conclusion: “Blinkoky blippy boo.  Blinky bliipy doo plee do.”

    After hearing the quote, former Chubbie Boopie manager, Nathan Hogsworth concluded with disdain, “When it comes down to it, that kind of attitude is what really separates the Pookies of this word from the Blinkys.”


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