A More Sensitive Census

FRED DRUTHERS:  I feel so alone.

More sobs from Fred.

THE CENSUS MAN:  Come to me, Fred.

Still sobbing, Fred shuffles forward, opening his arms and wrapping them around The Census Man, laying his head against The Census Man’s shoulder.  Fred begins to wail, but abruptly stops when he realizes The Census Man is standing stock still, arms at his sides.

FRED DRUTHERS:  You’re not going to hug me back?

THE CENSUS MAN:  We’re the government.  We do what we can.

The Census Man pulls wads of cash from his pockets and stuffs them into Fred’s pockets.

FRED DRUTHERS:  What the--?

THE CENSUS MAN:  Shh.  Just lay your head back down and cry yourself a river.

Fred obliges.  Then The Census Man resumes stuffing cash into Fred’s pockets.  Eventually, they are both spent.  Fred slowly pulls back from The Census Man.

THE CENSUS MAN:  Feel better?

FRED DRUTHERS:  Yes.  Yes, I do.  Thank you.

THE CENSUS MAN:  Just doing what a good government should do.  You have yourself a great day.


Fred disappears back inside.   The Census Man walks away from the house.  When he reaches the sidewalk, he is met by Government Agent #1 and Government Agent #2, both dressed in the standard black suit and sunglasses motif.

THE CENSUS MAN:  Kill him.